@JessieGinger like, I don’t think they’ll kick me out of the band if I was, but it could make stuff weird.

I asked for the reason the question came up in the first place, and I didn’t really like the answer.

Ugh.

@JessieGinger last one.

It’s not like I came out as Trans, and I am out to one guy already. I already told one of the others I was done with the church.

As far as the extent of my honesty went, I don’t know if I believe in god anymore. I’m probably agnostic. Idk. But that doesn’t matter.

I feel nauseous.

So today went pretty well up, actually really well, up until about 5:30 when my band mate sent this into the band chat:

I simultaneously feel the beauty of impermanence, and constant dread about living only to die and that my existence is simultaneously meaningless and meaningful.

To be one hundred percent honest, I’d have preferred to not exist at all. Existing is fucking stupid and now I’m stuck here, existing.

millennials? too much avocado toast. zoomers? too much gaming. boomers? too much getting the US into unnecessary wars and creating tax policy that creates unsustainable wealth inequality and destroying the world by refusing to address climate change. gen-x: Pearl Jam? seriously?

Hey everyone. I don’t like asking for help, but I’ve got to get the window that was smashed in replaced on my car and it’s going to run me almost $300. If you can spare anything, that would really really help.

paypal.me/WonderGinger

Oh yay, my ex pastor is now focusing his putrid bigotry platform onto trans people.

Gonna be an interesting weekend.

@JessieGinger like, my entire transition so far, and then some, was documented in there. Experiences that I won’t be able to recount the same way, the things I was feeling or dealing with.

Fuck.

Not going to lie, I’m most upset that they stole my journal. There’s well over a year documented, and now it’s gone and I can’t replace it. I’m bummed about my switch and synthesizer and backpack, but the journal getting stolen is really fucking bumming me out.

So actually fuck my life.

Stole like $1800 worth of stuff AND smashed my window in. Happened between 11:15am and 12:15pm today.

Does anyone else get super emotional about conflicts you have in a dream?

My day can start off completely ruined because of a dream, and I’m so annoyed that I get so caught up in them. But at the same time, I love the stories that they tell and even when they upset me, it’s interesting to see what my mind puts me through.

I don’t know whether or not to just not tip or be more mad that so many people in Spokane don’t tip their delivery drivers

I just realized I can drive for Uber eats. Hopefully that’ll bring some extra money in and get me caught up and make some money for Christmas gifts.

I also had a dream about wanting to enlist last night. I’m still not over that whole phase of my life, but at the same time I still really don’t want to do that.

I’m still mad at the people who told me that I shouldn’t enlist though. Not because I think that they were wrong, but because they just didn’t want me to pursue any of my dreams. They’re part of the reason I haven’t finished school, and don’t have nearly as many friends in my life as I used to.

Feeling a little overwhelmed. Almost got hit by a lady who wasn’t paying attention while trying to get into a parking lot to grab coffee. Saw some other stupid drivers almost cause accidents running red lights.

I shouldn’t be working today. But I am because a coworker decided he didn’t want to work this morning and so I have to cover his shift. He’s fucked me over so many times this last year, I don’t know why he hasn’t been let go.

Ugh.

So I’ve got a date on Sunday, and I’m pretty excited about it. But I’m worried, because I’m still really nervous to downright scared to go out as myself in regular public places. The place I live in is just conservative enough that I’m genuinely worried about being harassed in public.

So if I go out as myself, I risk that.

But if I go out in boy-mode, I feel like it will make it difficult for my date to get to know the me I’m trying to be.

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