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Deconstruction has continued into areas of my life other than faith, as it has for most of you on here it seems. Currently I’ve been wrestling with the idea of monogamy, wondering if exclusive committed relationships really are the “right” way to do it. Does anyone have insightful thoughts/experiences/resources?

And of course, this is what comes to mind as I desperately need to study for exams 🙇🏼‍♀️

@Tori deconstruction also led me to eventually evaluate monogamy and what I want out of life. Right now I don't think that I want to be in a monogamous marriage (but I am, and we're going through hell because of this).

I no longer have any reason to believe that monogamy or any other style of relationship built on consent is wrong. For me, I'm most interested in pursuing polyamory. If you're curious, check out this Ted talk: youtube.com/watch?v=FtdsZ8B7JQ

@jkalt that sounds so difficult, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that! I hope your spouse can be more understanding as you try to find something that works. I can definitely understand the desire for multiple partners, but my concern would be how it works long term, especially if kids are involved. It seems like it would be just as difficult (if not more so) to find multiple people that were okay with a complicated relational situation than it is to find one person that you can commit to.

@Tori yeah, we don't have kids so that definitely lowers the stakes.

As for the rest, I used to think that, too, but I've since met several people who seem to be "like me" on this. We'll see. Even if I don't ever get serious about exploring polyamory, I just really don't want the usual strictures of a monogamous marriage and doubt I ever will again.

@jkalt yeah in the last year or so I’ve realized that I would need to have a conversation about all this before entering into any kind of commitment with a partner/putting a label on things

@Tori that's great that you've recognized that! I got married pretty young (22) and have just changed so much since then in my worldviews and what I want in life. I think that makes this especially hard in my situation because I've had a partner along for most of that ride. Glad for you that you're in a place it sounds like you'll be able to introspect before getting into anything.

@jkalt yeah that sounds so tough. 22 is young! I’ve been very lucky to not have lost much through all my deconstruction. I hope you’ll be able to form a life that reflects your beliefs rather than conflicts with them 🙏🏻

@jkalt PS thanks for the Ted talk, it articulated a lot of thoughts I’ve had. It’s definitely a process figuring out how I view these things, and I still have a ways to go

@Tori When I was younger, I enjoyed lots of romantic relationships & was not always monogamous. In middle age, I my emotional resources are much more limited. I know I could not handle meeting the needs of my children, caring for aging parents, working, etc & have energy left over for handling more than one ❤️ relationship. The one I have requires every bit of effort I can give it. I also know I want my partner to give all their ❤️ attention to our life together. I could not share gracefully.

@TrelaH @Tori I’m newly polya (about 2 years) with 1 kid and interestingly to TrelaH’s point, I think polyamory has made me a better husband and dad. Energy can be like love, the more you give/spend, the more you have/regenerate.

@adamewoods that’s really cool. How have you explained things to your kid?

@Tori she’s 3, so right now Daddy and Poppa just have some really nice friends 🤗

@adamewoods also I am interested in your process of becoming polya (or realizing you’re polya I suppose). Would you mind sharing a bit about how you got there?

@Tori I had been thinking about it for a while. Then my husband brought it up. He was very brave to do that. I was still resistant and nervous, but came around. We went ahead. It’s hard and complicated, but I’d do it again for sure. There are some books, websites, etc. More Than Two is good (although one author is a bad man) w/r/t relationships, Ethical Slut is good w/r/t sex, and queertheology.com is GREAT.

@adamewoods that’s great that you have a partner that was on the same page. Thanks for the recommendations, I’ll check them out ☺️

@TrelaH @Tori I also could not share gracefully. I think there is probably some character growth that comes from sharing your spouse, but I do not have the resources for that growth at the moment and am happy being selfish with them. (luckily they are on the same page as me)

@liz @TrelaH I think a lot of it probably has to do with a person’s patterns and expectations, and maybe even personality. I’ve noticed that I don’t seem to experience jealousy in relationships the way a lot of my friends do, and I wonder if this is actually a personal growth thing (am I more secure in myself/my trust that they love me?) or just how some people are wired

@TrelaH I can understand that. I also doubt that I’d be able to handle more than one serious partner, but I think the types of relationships in polyamory don’t all need to look like what we typically expect from a romantic relationship. But I do see how monogamy just works better for some people.

@Tori I’ve felt the same way! It’s interesting how the snowball of deconstruction can just keep going and going. Though, I’m happy that it does.

@jherb me too! It’s satisfying to come to your own perspective on things in a more organic way rather than just accepting what culture hands to you (albeit much more exhausting haha)

@Tori Yes! Accepting that all these things are constructed and we must make a choice right for us, not one chosen for us.

@Tori I wouldn't say exclusive commitments are the only way to do romance, but speaking personally, I wouldn't have the emotional/psychological energy to invest in more than one partner at a time. I'm one of those who absolutely NEEDS personal intimacy to precede physical intimacy in order for the latter to work at all (what's the fancy term for that? demisexual?), and personal intimacy takes hard fuckin' work for someone like me. I salute any of y'all who can handle the polyamorous life.

@equustel I definitely can understand that—I think sex is almost always better in a trusting/loving relationship. I also think I don’t have the capacity to have more than one serious partner at a time. I think ideally I’d have one primary committed partner, but without rules of exclusiveness? I don’t know, still figuring it out

@Tori @equustel Tried this initially and while it works for some, it is generally regarded as poisonous in non-monogamy world. Who wants to be someone’s “secondary partner”? Things improved a lot for me once I moved into a more “relationship anarchy” model. 🥰🤪

@adamewoods @equustel that’s interesting to hear! Because I do wonder if my lean towards non-monogamy is just a way for me to excuse “affairs” (I’ve never been in a long term relationship, but I always thought fidelity long term would be difficult). Monogamy might be one of those things where I deconstruct, and then end up reconstructing to the exact same thing 😂

@Tori @equustel I think “affairs” are a pretty normal thing, and you can take away some of their destructive power and make them constructive instead in the paradigm of polyamory

@Tori I think sex aside, we really tend to limit how we love everyone around us because of very limited views on relationship and commitment.

I also have come to see the modern romantic ideal of as pretty codependent and unhealthy. So monogamy or not, in my opinion certain things about how we relate as a society to committed relationships could probably use an overhaul in many ways.

@sound I totally agree. I think discussion and exploration of these ideas would be a lot easier if as a society we got rid of a bunch of assumptions we have about romantic relationships

@sound @Tori ding ding ding! I am not polya because I am a commitment-phobe, I’m polya because I’m GREAT at commitment. 💪🏿🤗

@adamewoods @sound This is an interesting point. Reflecting on the relationships I’ve had, I wonder whether I have commitment issues OR is it just that I wasn’t able to enter the type of commitment my partners expected of me (exclusive forever)? Or perhaps I wasn’t (and maybe still am not) ready for commitment in any capacity

@Tori When I let go of my faith, there was a sense of "anything goes." Since then, as I slowly rebuild my faith, I have moderated the pendulum swing.

When it comes to relationships, I take the approach of responsibility for all involved. As long as all parties involved know what they are doing and why they are doing it, I think it comes down to what is "healthy" for all involved.

For me personally, "healthy" means an open and honest monogamous relationship. ;)

@brothermatthew yeah deconstruction can mean complete anarchy for a bit, I can somewhat relate. Sounds like you are “healthy” about it all!

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