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Coming out question, misgendering 

I’m trying to wrap my head around something: lately I’ve been coming out as trans to several close people in my life. It’s gone really well overall, but only one person has asked about name or pronouns. The rest continue to refer to me as “she” and birth name. I’m confident it isn’t malicious and they feel they’re being supportive.

What possible factors do you likely see at play? Discomfort? Lack of education? Uncertainty of etiquette?

Coming out question, misgendering 

@Tstan Yes, I could have volunteered name/pronouns right off the bat, but I sometimes forget in the initial conversation. I know these people do care about me. Do they expect me to bring it up first? Most of them are new to knowing (visible) trans people, but the fact that it’s a pattern is puzzling to me.

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Coming out question, misgendering 

@Tstan Maybe just confusion about what that means? They may not understand that you want them to change anything about how they treat you. I mean they probably should, but my guess is ignorance

Coming out question, misgendering 

@Tstan Oh also I see you have they/them pronouns in your bio, and I wonder is some of the confusion is that some people who use they/them pronouns are also fine with other pronouns and keep their original name.

It may need more explanation. That's why I took she/her out of my bio, because I watched a video with other nonbinary folks talking about how people who didn't get it would just continue to use she/her, and others would use they/them.

Coming out question, misgendering 

@Tstan So it like allowed people to not treat them any differently when they left the options for she/her open. I don't know how you identify yourself, but maybe it's an assumption that you are fine if they continue to refer to you in the same way when that's not true.

Coming out question, misgendering 

@Laura_I I actually am NB, but I described myself as trans and didn’t even bring the NB part up in the few recent convos I‘m thinking of. I knew they wouldn’t absorb all the info well since they’re unfamiliar with trans people and issues. With time lol.

Coming out question, misgendering 

@Laura_I pronouns/name are important to me, but not nearly as important to me as other factors, hence the lack of emphasis in my disclosure. I’ll eventually revisit the topic with the different people. You’re definitely right about many people resisting the use of they/them. I try to be understanding when people do that, but it gets old. I’m on the male side of the NB spectrum, so I’d actually prefer he/him over she/her. With time I’ll have more convos with them.

Coming out question, misgendering 

@Tstan @Laura_I Name and pronouns might not be the most important thing to you, but disclosing a change in those things is a very important signal and reminder to your community about expectations for "the important stuff".

At work I've attached a button with my pronouns to my access badge lanyard. It's not there for me, it's there for my colleagues so that they don't get into States of awkward confusion.

Coming out question, misgendering 

@Tstan @Laura_I Folks asking about pronouns or saying "congratulations" when you come out is a pretty strong signal you are not the first trans person in their life.

Coming out question, misgendering 

@shannon @Laura_I yeah, you’re right. Disclosing name/pronouns will be a big part of setting expectations moving forward. I’m the first (at least close) trans person that most of these people know, so it’ll definitely be a process.

Coming out question, misgendering 

@Tstan Yeah I feel the same way about other factors being more important to me than name/pronouns. I haven't really told anyone irl yet, but I have a feeling some of that will be hard to communicate.

I hope you can find acceptance and validation from the people in your life!

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